I just got done watching my daughter (of 16 years) interacting with this crazy MySims game.

Actually, “done” isn’t quite the right phrase. I “fled”.

Even though it is technically redundant to use the phrase “let me explain” on a blog (as, of course, that is rather the entire point of the website), let me explain.

It’s marvelous, and cute, really beyond any reasonable justification. The designers went ahead and took an already cute game (that would be The Sims) and just lopped off anything that wasn’t cute enough. And then, they boiled it in sauteed baby essence or something, because the result is just terrifyingly adorable.

I might be making this sound like a bad thing. It’s not. I’m just warning you: the game is fucking cute. If you get any kind of reaction from cuteness, do not, under any circumstances, stand in the same, like, shopping mall as a store with this game in it.

Which, as of its release date, should be all of them. We are talking about EA here.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Fleeing.

So, said daughter person? She makes this cute (yeah) little hippy Sim, and she runs around, doing little cute things (collecting Apple Essences(tm), building houses and stuff…), and… uh…

[ASIDE: For the record, the mayor of this town? She does not, by any reasonable measure, have her shit together. It’s rare that you meet a mayor who is unaware that your house (which she, by her own direct statement, is responsible for) doesn’t fucking exist. Lady, what is the story here? It is fortunate that you (the player) bear house-making powers – if this hadn’t been the case, then Ms. Mayor lady might well have been fucked, and my daughter’s hippy Sim would have been sleeping outside.]

Okay, okay, so yeah, and she’s having a great time (her MySim, by the way, is named “Billup”, and her town is named, ahem, “Pewptahn” – kids these day, huh?). Then, she finds this wonderful little “workshop” mechanic. It uses a system (much like the Gummi Ship building system in Kingdom Hearts) to let you construct household objects out of regularly-shaped blocks! Whee…

…and then, while constructing said household objects, she picked “sculpture”.

Yeah, okay. See, here’s how this works: “sculpture” in this game is actually a placeholder for “whatever-in-the-fuck-you-want”. The “blueprint” for a “sculpture” is literally a spot for one block, and the rest is kinda up to you.

This mechanic is probably meaningless to gameplay. I mean, it’s a decorative function (most likely). I imagine it is also a feature that many people would turn around once or twice, and then set aside with a “Hmm!” that indicates at the same time their appreciation of the possibilities such a “sculpture” includes, and their equal disinterest in taking advantage of same. Any experienced gamer would assume, given the level of potential expressiveness such a mechanic has in it, that it couldn’t be actually used for anything.

Of course, I don’t know whether or not any of my above suppositions are true. Because at that point I shrieked (well, maybe more of a murmered exclamation of horror… I don’t really remember), and then I fled the room.

Fuck the designers who made this game, fuck them to a cute hell filled with little happy cartoon people for doing this to me. That’s right, I mean you, man. I mean, there’s not even any limit to the number of blocks you can use, like any reasonable, fair-minded designer would use.

It’s like they want you to make stuff in this game.

Forever.

See, instantly, a pounding desire to create a MySims TEMPLE TO APHRODITE looms huge in my imagination. Various sculptured antlered gods and goddesses leap to my mind, painted with 8-ball textures and pink apples. I crave to fill MySims houses with objects that resemble traps, and torture devices, and mini-golf courses, and reproductions of my favorite Animal Crossing sets, and complete chess boards, and mazes, and — and — and —

Damn them.