MySims is Terrifying

I just got done watching my daughter (of 16 years) interacting with this crazy MySims game.

Actually, “done” isn’t quite the right phrase. I “fled”.

Even though it is technically redundant to use the phrase “let me explain” on a blog (as, of course, that is rather the entire point of the website), let me explain.

It’s marvelous, and cute, really beyond any reasonable justification. The designers went ahead and took an already cute game (that would be The Sims) and just lopped off anything that wasn’t cute enough. And then, they boiled it in sauteed baby essence or something, because the result is just terrifyingly adorable.

I might be making this sound like a bad thing. It’s not. I’m just warning you: the game is fucking cute. If you get any kind of reaction from cuteness, do not, under any circumstances, stand in the same, like, shopping mall as a store with this game in it.

Which, as of its release date, should be all of them. We are talking about EA here.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Fleeing.

So, said daughter person? She makes this cute (yeah) little hippy Sim, and she runs around, doing little cute things (collecting Apple Essences(tm), building houses and stuff…), and… uh…

[ASIDE: For the record, the mayor of this town? She does not, by any reasonable measure, have her shit together. It’s rare that you meet a mayor who is unaware that your house (which she, by her own direct statement, is responsible for) doesn’t fucking exist. Lady, what is the story here? It is fortunate that you (the player) bear house-making powers – if this hadn’t been the case, then Ms. Mayor lady might well have been fucked, and my daughter’s hippy Sim would have been sleeping outside.]

Okay, okay, so yeah, and she’s having a great time (her MySim, by the way, is named “Billup”, and her town is named, ahem, “Pewptahn” – kids these day, huh?). Then, she finds this wonderful little “workshop” mechanic. It uses a system (much like the Gummi Ship building system in Kingdom Hearts) to let you construct household objects out of regularly-shaped blocks! Whee…

…and then, while constructing said household objects, she picked “sculpture”.

Yeah, okay. See, here’s how this works: “sculpture” in this game is actually a placeholder for “whatever-in-the-fuck-you-want”. The “blueprint” for a “sculpture” is literally a spot for one block, and the rest is kinda up to you.

This mechanic is probably meaningless to gameplay. I mean, it’s a decorative function (most likely). I imagine it is also a feature that many people would turn around once or twice, and then set aside with a “Hmm!” that indicates at the same time their appreciation of the possibilities such a “sculpture” includes, and their equal disinterest in taking advantage of same. Any experienced gamer would assume, given the level of potential expressiveness such a mechanic has in it, that it couldn’t be actually used for anything.

Of course, I don’t know whether or not any of my above suppositions are true. Because at that point I shrieked (well, maybe more of a murmered exclamation of horror… I don’t really remember), and then I fled the room.

Fuck the designers who made this game, fuck them to a cute hell filled with little happy cartoon people for doing this to me. That’s right, I mean you, man. I mean, there’s not even any limit to the number of blocks you can use, like any reasonable, fair-minded designer would use.

It’s like they want you to make stuff in this game.

Forever.

See, instantly, a pounding desire to create a MySims TEMPLE TO APHRODITE looms huge in my imagination. Various sculptured antlered gods and goddesses leap to my mind, painted with 8-ball textures and pink apples. I crave to fill MySims houses with objects that resemble traps, and torture devices, and mini-golf courses, and reproductions of my favorite Animal Crossing sets, and complete chess boards, and mazes, and — and — and —

Damn them.

Published by

the_darklorde

I design.

8 thoughts on “MySims is Terrifying”

  1. OMG…… i think you just went crazy on the cuteness. and i really dont blame you. my husband play’s that game all day. while hes off of work. so i leave the house for like 5 houre’s. and sometime’s he will take his laptop to work and play it. it is so pathedicley cut that the designer’s should be tourmented with a colosal of cute thing’s and then we’ll see how much they like cut thing’s and then maybe they’ll stop designing such cute and annoying thing’s.

  2. lol, Robin hunicke was the lead on that game, and one of the things that was a pillar for them was to target the Japanese audience with the Wii-centric game. So when you go with the Japanese, you either go, super “wtf horrorifying”, “wtf so pretty” or super “wtf kill me with kawaii” aesthetics.

    she got you talking about it. i think she wins.

    One day, I will pitch a hardcore FPS game with kawaii anthropomorphic characters!! MUAHHAHA

  3. She wins big time. I’ve actually been fairly captivated by the game from the outset, as have my whole brood.

    Little known fact: check out the the Meet MySims page. Click on Vic Vector.

    Yeah. Based on yours truly. Not even “loosely”. He’s a direct take. /shakes fist at Kaiser

  4. It’s all true. I didn’t just include a little tribute character to the darklord–oh, no. I designed the entire game, every decision from start to finish, to fan the flames of his madness into an Inferno of Insanity!!!

  5. First of all – YES! – Mayor McSmartyPants can go to hell. I hate her and her…persnippity attitude. Also, I’d like to direct everyone’s attention to the character Travis and how delightfully pleasant, handsome and witty. Everyone should have him as a part of their town, or dare I say they are missing the full MySims experience. I would suggest he gain a larger role in any potential sequels – and maybe even be romantically involved with a certain DJ Candy?

    tg

    PS – oh yeah it’s Cute to the Max(tm)

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